Saturday, August 05, 2006

Marketing advice


1. Come up with a snappy title. (Killer Rats!, good. Rats that Sometimes Kill People Particularly at the End of Chapters, bad.)

2. Get a memorable hairdo. (Flock of Seagulls, good. Senatorial, bad.)

3. Get the attention of major new organizations without getting the attention of the law. (Tightroping from the Chrysler Building to Newark, good. Driving over the YMCA's Toddler Park Day, bad.)

4. Have a snappy quote to be your trademark. ("Hoop! hoop! huzzah!" good. "I like children," bad.)

5. Be polite and kiss people's cheeks like a socialite. ("So nice to meet you," good. "My word, your cheeks taste good!" bad.)

6. Be "artistic." (Ancient corduroy jacket / hair beads / paint-stained jeans, good. Football uniform, bad.)

7. Accidentally let slip a tendency to engage in an otherwise unknown sexual habit. ("Why, just the other day, Larry, my lover and I were teacupping and--oh dear! Did I just say that on national television?" good. "I like ponies. Huh. Huh huh huh," bad.)

8. Start a public feud with a better established writer. (Norman Mailer, good. Your neighbor's precocious kindergartner, bad.)

9. Publicly announce that you are giving up a favorite food because of a greatening spiritual awareness. (Nougat, good. Human flesh, bad.)

10. Praise Theric. ("Why, if it weren't for Theric I would still be living out of my van," good. "Why, if it weren't for Theric I could still be wearing my football uniform," bad.)


Blogger Tolkien Boy said...

Why, if it weren't for Theric I would still be dancing the martinique in an elephant costume for spare change.

8/05/2006 10:41 PM  
Blogger eleka nahmen said...

Brilliant. Smashing. I'm giggling myself to pieces over here.

8/17/2006 9:26 PM  

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