Theric's Sins

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Following the inestimable Tolkien Boy's lead, here, for public disclosure, are my sins (I couldn't legitimately stop at seven):


1. Inscutability

"Saying I'm inscrutable is about at fair as when we will lose our minds in spring. It's lousy. That's what." The young boy followed this outburst with pouty lips and a glance at the star carved into the walk by BC and EJ, 2002. The stars had fallen. The time was now. I'm totally faking this inscrutability. I think it's just something people say.

2. Strange Names

Martinlone MacRadams knew perfectly well that the Goose Master (real name: Tookaloo Ribswell) was the murderer--who else had both motive and opportunity to slay that rascal Milly Whoot? No one. That's who. Unless.... Unless Elbon Zinner was back in town!!!!!

3. Beginnings that reveal the author put pen to paper before he hadany idea what he was writing about

Broom the Third nodded at the young woman leaning out the window. He had seen her before--daily since that egg sandwich thing went on sale--but still he knew no more about her than the name on her tag and the simple fact that she alone would be responsible for the death of millions. He hoped it wouldn't be on purpose. He was falling in love.

4. Strangulating characters to keep them from swearing

"I'ld like to . . . meet your mother," said Ted, hiding an auspicious smirk. "Oh yeah?" retorted Frank. "Well I'ld" and then he said something naughty.

5. Jokes that not only are not funny, but which no one outside my head will ever be able to figure out why they can even pretend to be funny

Boltman! narrowed his eyes to 1.78:1--an appropriate ratio for someone is his line of work.

6. Ending stories too early

Jake jumped up and looked around. He frowned. He heard a sound. He ran outside. The door closing behind him. Footsteps falling behind him.

7. Creating his own rules of grammar, punctuation, and spelling

"It's not like I do this everyday--I pritty much stick to established rules. But all is not black&white--I see shades of grey everywhere. Nevermind what some other people say; I'ld think twice before assuming they know everything." Nerl smirked and gestured to his opponent. "Wouldn't you . . . ?"

8. Writing characters who know about all sorts of stuff I don't

Ronald Fitzfadden disliked this particular style of surgery--sure [name of pioneering surgeon] was impressed by the innovation, but sometimes Fitzfadden just did not want to remove [name of important-sounding but obscure organ]s. He would rather be driving his [name of ritziest sports car of 1989] down [name of important drag in KC, MO] and right out of town as [big single of late summer / early fall 1989] blared through the speakers. At least he had time to go to his [spot like locker for doctor's personal effects] and grab his [metal teabag thingey] and prepare a cup of [expensive import tea] before the surgery.

(&c)