Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Tolkien Boy's Votes

Appendix - Jeph

A holdover from days when the Fob ate grass like the common antelope and needed extra organs to deal with digesting the tough stems, Jeph served no purpose in the modern-day Fob and was quickly excised after he became infected. Thanks to plastic surgery, the scars from his removal are virtually invisible in today's Fob.

Heart - Queen Zippergut

Never ceasing to be upbeat, Queen Zippergut pumps out cordial feeling to the rest of the FOb, even when others are heartless. There was, in fact, no coincidence in the incidence of her being concerned about her husband's heart health, for she needed in a conjugal partner a similarly strong ticker.

Skin - Master Fob

As the largest and easily the most visible member of the Fob united, Master Fob has a number of responsibilities--he hosts the other Fob members inside his house, regrows new members of Fob when other members have been scraped away, and handles all the touchy-feely stuff, most importantly rejecting virulently sappy writers from attempting to infiltrate the bgroup.

Facial Hair - Happily Married Straight Liberal Friend of Gay Boyfriend Chick

Described often in terms of his lack, a small dose of Gay Boyfriend Chick's friend nevertheless made Fob more logically appealing to straight women. He also disguised the fact that Fob has no chin.

Ear - Edgy Killer Bunny

Insisting on a well-balanced approach in both sense and style, Edgy's voractious reading habits have allowed him to hammer at times on the anvil of stubborn artstic hubris. His aversion to water notwithstanding, he's given many a Fob a stirrup in their endeavor by translating their inane babblings into understandable messages for the general public.

Spleen - Thmazing Theric

Though praised for his unusal name, no one is quite sure what Th. is all about. In a practical sense, however, he is excellent at determining the difference between nourishing prose and awful offal, and his position far from the "boobies" and yet close to those organs which can be "penetrated" (depending on one's relative comfort and personal convictions) reveals the middle-of-the-road attitude that helps him digest whatever writing comes down the tube.

Kneecap - The Marchioness

Demonstrating her bent to keep the Fob flexible, the Marchioness has joint ease in sharing with the Fob her prose or her poetry. Further, she writes frequently on the Mormon experience, asking us to question whether kneeling is, in fact, the most effective form of exercise (especially when repetitive squats have so much more a visible effect upon one's social standing).

Abdominals - editorgirl (sic)

As the most sexy member of Fob, editorgirl (sic) often supplements her writing with a six-pack of Diet Coke that is enjoyed by every member of Fob. Even more importantly, she holds the stomachs of the Fob in her hands, strengthening and supporting our ever-addictive need for all things chocolate. You might say, if you had a literary bent, that we're umbilically connected to her.

Pituitary Gland - Melyngoch

Like the pituitary gland, Melyngoch is responsible for Fob's growth (she introduced Tolkien Boy, after all), blood pressure (when she insists that shitting is a proper epithet), breast milk production (in defense of her own blood), sex organ functions (neither male and female members of Fob are immune to her charms), the conversion of food into energy (most specifically, anything caffinated), and osmolality.

Mouth - Tolkien Boy

Basically, Tolkien Boy is adept at three things: eating, kissing, and a lot of talk.


Blogger Th. said...


I wonder how Jeph would feel if he knew all the things we have said about him/

I'm sure he had no idea that his three weeks would turn into a life of buttdom.

And I can't find a definition of osmolality that doesn't use the words osmotic or osmoles. This sucks.

8/22/2006 5:44 PM  
Blogger Samantha said...

I can't find one either--but I did learn something new: "Osmolality can be measured using an osmometer which uses the principle of Freezing-point depression to determine the osmolality."

I want an osmometer for Christmas--but only because it's fun to say.

8/22/2006 6:18 PM  
Blogger Master Fob said...

Let it be observed that I haven't said anything about Jeph. Nothing mean, anyway.

8/22/2006 8:38 PM  
Blogger Melyngoch said...

TB, Occasionally it concerns me that we've never made out. But then I remember, who wants to make out with a pituitary gland?

8/23/2006 9:39 PM  

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